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Annie’s Poem: The dynamics of a conflicting relationship

Life with my mother was difficult. I have very few memories of my childhood and most of them are disturbing. I remember instances of being hit so hard it broke the blood vessels in my mother’s hands causing her hands to turn purple. I usually responded by laughing and goading her to hit me again. These were normal occurrences in my household, spurred on by the lack of bonding between us. We belonged in different households, but that was not an option when I was a young child.

The verbal and physical abuse paled in comparison to my feelings of being unwanted. I craved the affection of a mother I never had and at the same time I rebelled against the one I was born to. My self-image was flawed by the lack of love in my mother’s eyes when she looked at me.

I felt very alone and very disconnected from the world and from myself.

I was emancipated by a family friend when I was 16 years old, spiraled down to rock bottom, and eventually clawed my way back to a world of my own making. I’m still clawing but I’m way above the rocks now and can see a clear, sunny sky above me.

My mother and I remained adversaries for most of our lives and when she passed away after a long illness I wrote a poem filled with emotion that I never knew existed — emotion that had been frozen in time for about 60 years. Here is Annie’s Poem

Annie’s Poem

I can’t understand how the world can go on
As if nothing has changed from the night to the dawn
When the blink of an eye gave an angel her wings
And then traded her pain for such curious things
As the freedom that comes when a body has gone
In the blink of an eye from the night to the dawn.

I can’t understand how the sun can still shine
On this painful new world that is no longer mine
Cause the blink of an eye took the sunshine away
And replaced it with clouds and a feeling so grey
And I search for the warmth from a sun I can’t see
Cause the blink of an eye took my mother from me.

I can’t understand if the soul goes to rest
Or returns to find life through the delicate breath
Of a baby that’s born with a cry and a yawn
In the blink of an eye from the night to the dawn.

In the blink of an eye from the night to the dawn
Annie took her last breath, closed her eyes and was gone.

Laura Grace
June 29, 2022

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4 Comments

  1. Jean Callaway

    June 29, 2022 at 7:33 pm

    Beautiful poem. It’s really a bit sad. Sorry you had to endure such pain growing up. Your story sounds like mine so I can certainly identify. The title of the first song I wrote when I was 16 was IS LIFE WORTH LIVING. You and I can see a positive side of this, though. Our hardships made us stronger individuals. I can handle situations now that the average person cannot. Living by the Boho teachings, I am grateful for all my blessings today.

    1. My Boho Secret

      July 9, 2022 at 10:03 pm

      Thank you for sharing. The Secret teaches us that it’s never too late to embrace the person we were meant to be, regardless of our past.

  2. Denise Allen

    August 5, 2022 at 9:20 am

    This touched me in the saddest way as I can identify with all of the feelings she described. I too longed for love and affection growing up and have had to find my own tribe.
    Again, thank you for all you share. This is my new favorite place to visit

    1. My Boho Secret

      August 5, 2022 at 8:55 pm

      Hi Denise, thank you so much for your comment and support. I launched My Boho Secret on May 15, 2022, to share my thoughts on aging and recovery from a past that I let define me for way too long. I wanted to reach out to others who might also be struggling with the same issues. Your comment warms my heart more than I can express. I’ll be updating the blog all weekend. Thank you again, Laura Grace

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