I wonder if I’ll ever fall in love
I fostered a young homeless child when I was fresh out of high school and she stayed with me for 10 difficult years. After that experience I didn’t want marriage or children. In fact, I just wanted to be left alone on my own, exploring the world I had put on hold for so long. The last thing I wanted was love, so of course I kept my emotions in a self-contained box, avoiding any and all situations that might bring me closer to a relationship based on love and sharing.
That was enough for me then but I’m not sure it’s enough for me now. Life has a way of getting real, really fast and often without warning. One of my dad’s often repeated life lessons was “Use the past as a guidepost, not a hitching post.” In other words don’t let the past determine the future. Unfortunately, I seem to have made that mistake my entire life despite constant reminders not to do so. It’s not that I don’t remember hearing those words because my dad tried to save me from myself many times for many years.
The idea is to act instead of react. It’s to focus instead of drift. It’s to want more instead of accepting less. It’s all these things and much more.
So here I am at 74, exactly where I was at 27. Life has changed all around me but I haven’t changed at all, except to grow older of course. I’m still living the life I created over 40 years ago although it no longer works for me. I understand now what I’ve been doing wrong for all these years. I let my past control my present and my future. I lived my past over and over until it was on auto-repeat and I didn’t even have to think about it. I became an automated version of a lifestyle that should have been put to rest decades ago.
I don’t know when the positive values of living a Bohemian life began to percolate in my brain because I’ve lived many elements of Boho life for as long as I can remember. Bohemian life focuses on whatever makes you happy and avoids anything counterproductive to your well-being. It means being a free spirit. It means embracing an unconventional life. It means loving nature and animals. It means striving to defend values and ideals, releasing talents and taking back control of your life. It means understanding what really matters. It means loving others and loving yourself. It means daring to be different. It means a life free of stress.
I’ve always embraced what makes me happy, even when it no longer did. I need to change that and take back my life. I have to start loving again, starting with me. I’ve always been different, always a free spirit living an unconventional life, loving nature and animals. I’ve defended values and ideals and lost family and friends as a result. I’ve allowed stress to replace freedom of spirit.